Cleaning and changes

My daughter is cleaning out her bathroom cupboards. Doesn't seem like that big of a deal, right? I should be thrilled my nearly 17 yr old (in 4 days) has taken the initiative to clean. She called me to come in and look into the trash can. I almost burst into tears on the spot! All of the little girl stuff she's had for years, GONE. In the blink of an eye she's tossed it all: tiered, multi-colored lip glosses; blue, sparkly nail polish in a bear shaped jar; hair ribbons; butterfly removable tattoos, etc.

Ok, if she hears me crying she's going to take it all out and keep it for another 8 yrs. Maybe I should start bawling. No, I want her get rid of it. No, I don't. Yes, I do. I had no idea my little girl entering her last year of high school was going to be so traumatic...for ME!

What happened to my 10 yr old who let me fix up her hair for church? Where's my little girl who didn't care that she had no name brand clothes? How did my life stand still for 7 yrs while hers flew by? Can I get it back? Have a do-over?

Shoot, her come the water works again. This is going to be a loooong year. I'll probaby cry as she's getting her senior pictures taken, goes to her first day of her last year of school, goes to Homecoming, Prom, etc. PROM? My baby at prom? Awww, picking out her dress, someone hand me a tissue. Her first night out with a boy, unless she goes with a group of friends. Let's hope it's the latter - for my sake!

How will I live in my house without my little girl? She's such an integral part of this family. How do I live without her? How does a mom live without her heart? By now some of you might think we have the sweetest relationship and we're closer than a mom and daughter could ever be.

Unfortunately, that's not quite the case. I have failed time and time again to live up to the mom I should've been and the mom I should still be. I've never been very good at this mom thing and she knows it. I'm not beating myself up, just stating facts. Not looking for sympathy (at least not with regard to my parenting...but, my baby growing up, yes). I'm sure she doesn't understand how I could feel the way I do when I don't show her love like a mom should.

She has turned into an amazing young lady, inspite of me. Her love for the Lord, and His presence in her life has made her the sweet person she is. SHE will make an awesome mom some day. Of course, I'll be jealous of her because she'll be who I always wanted to be. She's attentive, funny, sweet, gentle, and relies on the Lord. Again, all this inspite of me. She has been this way since God put her inside me. She came out exactly who she is today.

Imagine a 5 yr old little girl wearing a black velvety dress with Cinderella sewn on the front. She's standing in a dark dining room in the evening lifting her hands up to the Lord as she listens to Rich Mullins sing Awesome God. Then last Sunday we're standing at church for our first Blue Jeans and Guitar Strings worship night. I look over to where my Baby (btw, that really is my nickname for her to this day) is standing with her friends and there is her arm up in the air worshipping the One who created her. My little girl.

How can I not be a wreck when I know she's leaving in a years time? She's growing up and there's nothing I can do about it. I know I can enjoy it, and I do. I simply have these moments of stark reality and I wonder if there's a way to stop time for a while. I want to do it all again, somehow. I want to be that mom she deserves. Deserves because she's so fantastic herself.

I've mentioned to friends a couple times that I wish she'd been part of a family that really loved being together. I mean, they ALL really liked each other. Sure, families have their disagreements and siblings can argue, but I know for a fact there are a few families in our church who my little girl would've blossomed in.

Sigh...I know this is a really depressing post, but that's part of what these blogs are about right? We're putting ourselves out there for the world. It's a way to purge what we could keep in. Ok, I'm not really one to hold stuff in. Yep, my daughter would agree with that one!

So, my daughter is growing up and getting ready to test her wings. Somehow God is going to have to provide me with supernatural strength to get thru it all. It'll be interesting to see where I am just over a year from now. I'm guessing basketcase. The day she leaves for college, or shall I say that night, I will be...what will I be? Utterly forlorn? Lost? A wreck? All the above? Have I mentioned I have 3 other children coming behind her? My littlest one will be starting Kindergarten. I'll save those emotions for another post.

Well, she's come out of the bathroom and is actually talking to me. And it's not with an attitude. Thank you God! Maybe I should see what's left of the little girl I miss dearly. TTFN ~ Mimi