He's gone...to Kindergarten

My baby has taken his first leap from the nest. We woke up to an extremely cold morning. It's only 47 degrees! Welcome to MN. As with last year, summer has just dropped off the face of the planet. So much for global warming!

I woke Ryan up a little while after the other kids so I could videotape him waking up on his first day of school. My little Doodle Bug. He was so cute and so excited for school. He got dressed and wanted to head outside regardless of the fact he had 1/2 an hour before the bus was supposed to come. I convinced him to stay in with breakfast. Then we started what will be his new morning routine.

We headed outside to join the rest of the kids gathered at the bus stop along with another mom who was taking pictures of her Ryann who's in my Ryan's class. Her Ryann (yes with 2 "n"s) is a girl. We stood around and chatted a while and the bus finally showed up. We discussed the fact that there may actually be too many kids on the bus and that they'll need to get another one for this route. My 9yr old missed breakfast yesterday because the bus was so late. Of course, he didn't tell me that until this morning. I felt horrible. That meant he didn't eat anything until 12:30pm!! My poor kid!

Well, I videotaped Ryan getting onto the bus and took a couple of pictures. I headed into the house and as I walked in I heard Curious George finishing up. That's when I lost it. I won't have any more Ryan and mommy times alone while all the other kids are off to school. For the last few years we'd have a couple days a week where it was just the two of us. Now it's just me alone in this big house. Thankfully I work today. Tomorrow, I sit here in the emptiness by myself. I've heard people say that silence can be deafening. This morning I completely understand it. The quietness in my house is so loud I think I can hear my heart cracking.

Hmmm, you know, he's a really young 5 yr old. I could keep him home another year. HAHAHAHA I'm joking, really. He's been ready for Kindergarten since last year. He's definitely a smart little guy. You're right, I'm completely biased. Ryan also has a wonderful teacher, so that wouldn't be a great excuse. He's not a homebody, so this social time is going to be so amazing for him. But he's my baby.

I want it all back. Can we reverse time to 17 yrs ago and let me do it all over with what I know now? Interestingly enough, even with the sadness I feel about the changes that are going on in my life, I still will be the same person I was yesterday. Even though I know that I want to be a better parent, I stay the same. I think a large part of my heartbreak is knowing that I've done so much wrong and wish I could do it all over again. I'd try to be more like June Cleaver. I'd have to go back to before God put me in my mother's womb to have this discussion about my genetic make-up and ask if He could make me different this time. A kinder, gentler, more soft spoken, yet strong mom, that's the kind of mom I want to be. Truly, as my kids would attest, I'm nowhere near that mom. I'm loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, and willing to embarrass my kids in the middle of a grocery store if the right 80's tune comes on! I have a Flair on my Facebook page that says, "Embarrassing my children...just one more service I offer." Another one on being a mom is "I love it when people roll their eyes and ignore me, so I became a mom.

It's time for me to drag myself away from the computer and go get ready for work. I'm already 1/2 an hour behind. That's no good. I'm going to get off of work early today because I want to be home when my Doodley Do gets here! My world will be right again. Then tomorrow will come and I'll be back onto my blog crying my eyes out again!