In The Eye Of The Beholder

This is going to be a personal blog post, one I've been mashing around in my head. Not sure if this is the place to discuss what goes on in my head, but if not here, where? Right?

How do you see yourself? Are you tall, short, heavy, thin, thoughtful, selfish, quick witted, boring? There are so many ways we can define ourselves and some moments we may be one thing and another moment, something entirely different.

I have very brief moments when I feel positively about my appearance. That moment typically happens the moment I finish getting ready in the morning. By the time I get to work, I know that all my "curl" has gone flat, that I have a cowlick that seems to always mess up my bangs, and lets not discuss weight.

True, the scale doesn't say I'm heavy by any means, but when I look in the mirror, all I see are my imperfections. I see the pimply, heavy, styleless. flat-chested girl from high school. At work, about the only men who make "moves" on me are old enough to be my father! hahahaha Not that I want to be hit on by anyone, but it certainly makes me wonder what I'm doing that men in their 50's and 60's say something to me.

On Saturday at work, (I work at a hardware store) I was stocking some supplies and a guy walked by me and said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you're beautiful." And he kept walking!! Of all the nerve, he didn't even stop after that comment. I didn't look up at him, I was trying to process what he'd just said and I started giggling. Nobody says that to me unless they are in the category above. Then I started thinking about it. No one ever calls me beautiful. I admit I can occasionally be "cute" but I have to really be trying.

Telling me about my looks, postively, sends me into a crazy tailspin. I over analyze these kinds of comments. I started thinking, "Oh, if he saw me in the morning," "If he saw me tomorrow," "He's looking on the outside and has no idea of my heart or mind," "He must not have looked very closely," and so on and so on.

Does anyone else deal with this? How do you turn around your stinkin' thinkin'? Do you find your identity in Christ? I know that God is the one I should care about and how He thinks of me, but it's so hard to wrap that around my mind and my heart. With the way the world speaks about and shows beauty, it's not so easy to compare it to God's view.

God tells me He loves me. That He created me in His image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Unfortunately, I don't know that I will believe that with my whole being until I stand in His presence. Many days I don't see any kind of beauty inside or out. Some days there happens to be a lot of ugliness. On those days, all I can do is hope no one will see what I'm truly like.

I know a lot of how I feel has to do with being separated from my husband for over 3 yrs. The circumstances of our separation certainly didn't help with my self-view and worth. I have no idea if we'll remain married, so of course my mind wonders if any man would ever find anything he would like. Trust me when I say I'm only scratching the surface here about myself.

So, hear I sit struggling still with my image and I'm 40 years old. Does this ever go away? Will I be 60 and still comparing myself to the grandma next door? Yep, her boobs are sagging, but they're still bigger than mine. Wow, look at that lady's hair at church, wonder if mine will ever look the same one day to the next. Wish I knew how to apply make-up so I'd have smokey eyes just like so-and-so. Sigh...

Sorry for the Debbie Downer post, but I had to get it off my...chest.

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