Tough Father's Day ~ Who Knew?

I don't talk about my personal life on here very much. It's hard for me to know what to share and what to keep private.

This is my blog and no one asked to be a part of it in my family. I have to find a balance and not hurt the people I love, and even the ones I don't.

I've had a hard weekend. The boys are spending it with their sister, her boyfriend, and their son. I don't have a problem with them being gone. In fact, I quite enjoy the peace and quiet. Guiltily, I wish I had this quietness more often. For 3 1/2 yrs it's only been me parenting 4 kids. That's where I'm struggling.

This may get boring, and I have no idea how I'm going to ramble, you may just want to go read something a bit more enjoyable than my so-called life.

My husband & I have been separated for over 3 1/2 yrs. Under less than desireable circumstances. Sometimes, like this weekend, I feel utterly alone. I'm supposed to be spending my life with the father of my children. Too bad I can hardly stand being in the same room as him without wanting to rush out as fast as I can.

At church today, the sermon was about the role of husband & father. I actually felt sick to my stomach and left. I figured it being Father's Day the message would be about dads. Even though my dad & I aren't close, I can handle hearing my pastor encourage men to be good dads. BTW, I dig my stepdad!

I couldn't handle hearing about the role a husband plays, because that in turn dictates his role as a dad. Unfortunately, mine estranged husband failed in both areas...greatly. I had to get out of church, God bless my pastor's sermon.

Now, here I sit today, one more day ALONE. Sometimes I feel alone even with my boys. I love all 4 of my kids. I had thought I'd spend the rest of my life with the man I married almost 12 yrs ago. Little did I know what our future really held.

With what's going on with my "marriage" you might be saying to yourself, "Then why not divorce him?" That's a really good question.

I have always rushed into things. Obviously, most often that doesn't bode well, especially with those BIG moments, like getting married. With the "downturn" (putting that mildly) in our marriage, I knew I wouldn't divorce him right away, if at all. I wanted what God wanted. Biblically, I believe that God has given me a means to get divorced without it being a sin.

I'm NOT going to debate theology, and my beliefs are NOT up for discussion. It's where I'm at and what I believe. I believe the Bible is the innerant, God breathed Word. That still left me in a quandry.

I want to spend my life with someone that digs me and I dig him. Listen, I've been married twice, third times a charm, right (if there's a 3rd time)? I have no illusions to the fact that marriages have their highs and lows. Unfortunately, my marriages were both mostly lows. I can't seem to do anything right.

I'm this gal who loves life, is goofy, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, ADD struggling, does a lot of things wrong, but on the rare occasion does something right, 40 yr old mom of 4 kids. Those last 2 items don't bode well for my future if and when I get a divorce. That is still undetermined, although I have recently spoken to my estranged husband and told him how I feel. I had to come clean.

So here I sit, Father's Day, having left church because I couldn't take the message, undecided about my future with my estranged husband, and knowing that my boys don't have a dad in their lives because of his choices.

I'm still surprised I'm having such a tough day. It was so unexpected.