Today Was Not Easy

I knew today was coming. I had a couple weeks notice. I had no idea how it was going to go.

My husband and I have been separated nearly 4yrs. Boy, I don’t really know where to go with the story now. There’s so much that’s happened in those 4yrs.

We live in the same town. We have 2 boys together. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage. Yes, I’ve been married twice.

Anyhow, today I had a meeting with my husband and his counselor. They wanted to discuss what was happening with our marriage. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.

I wanted him to go first. Kinda feel him out. Were we on the same page or was a battle about to break out?

Neither of us wanted to talk. Take the first step. Thank goodness his counselor had an idea. We each had a pad of paper and wrote down our thoughts about our marriage and where we saw it in 2 yrs.

I sat. I stared. A blank page. Nothing. I was empty.

I was scared.

What if he said all he wanted to do was work on the marriage? I had a feeling that wasn’t the case, but who knew?

I started to write. I knew he was writing.

When we finished she took our pads of paper. We turned our chairs back to back and read what each other wrote. We were pretty much on the same page.

I couldn’t see us married 2 yrs down the road. I didn’t see us still married yet separated. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I couldn’t.

I felt so bad. There were some tears over not having more than “friend” feelings towards him. He had tears over the choices that brought us to this point.

So much hurt. So much lost time. So much of our lives wasted.

There will be more pain as the days, weeks and months go by. We will have our highs and lows. I will bear the burden of telling our boys.

It’s so funny. I didn’t realize that even during this long term separation that I still felt “safe” and “sheltered”. I was married. I wasn’t truly alone. I still had a husband.

Now, with the direction we are now taking, there will be nothing.

I thought there’d be a sense of relief. A {sigh}. But tonight, all of a sudden there was a {gasp}! A realization. I am getting divorced. I will be divorced.

Today was not easy!