Pour Your Heart Out: Put My Dog To Sleep?

Today is my first time participating in PYHO. Came at an inopportune time, but a heart breaking one. Let me start off by apologizing for the length of it. I’m kind of an emotional wreck.

2 years ago my estranged husband gave me a puppy who was supposed to become our “protection”. If anyone would’ve seen this puppy, they would’ve known he wasn’t going to be very good at protecting anything or anyone. He was a bundle of nerves and afraid of his own shadow.

I remember when I tried taking photos of him when we first brought him home. He would slink away. He was afraid of the camera, or maybe the flash.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Rugby is a Border Collie mix. He was bought from a farm on my oldest daughter’s bday.

Anyhow, he did what all puppies do: eating library books, eating shoes, chewing up the stair carpet, etc.

But we knew he was cool. He was so gentle when he took his treats. Attentive to where I was. Rugby became my shadow. He slept on my side of the bed every night. He gives me hugs. He smiles like nobody’s business whenever I come home.

In May, a week before he turned 2, Rugby had his first seizure. I hoped it was some fluke and wouldn’t happen again. As it is with my luck, it wasn’t to be the case. By the end of May he was having one every couple weeks. The vet decided he needed to get on meds.

They’d help for a month and then th e seizures would start happening again. The vet upped the meds. Rugby had started off on a super low dose and had lots of room to finagle.

A couple weeks ago he woke me up at 5:30am with a double seizure. His first that I knew of. I ran to get him his valium. Before it set into his system he had another double seizure. It was terrible.

Well, Saturday was THE WORST! He had 6 seizures in one hour. SIX! It was so traumatic to watch. Of course my boys were here. I gave Rugby his valium after his 2nd seizure.

Usually it works right away, but not this time. The poor dog just couldn’t get out of the seizures. I truly thought he was going to die. I had to tell my boys. I also had to tell them it was possible they’d come home one day from school and he might be dead if he’d had seizures.

Living in the country, our local vet is closed by noon. The seizures started around 12:30pm!

By the last 2 seizures, his body was responding big time. You know when a fish is taken out of the water and put on the ground and it flops slapping it’s head and tail? That was our Rugby. Instead of just shaking, his entire body was coming up and slamming down.

I thought he was dying because all of a sudden I saw blood. He must’ve bitten his tongue, which of course mouths are big bleeders.

Talked to the vet on Monday and she suggested adding potassium bromide. I was happy to do whatever to help my puppy. Then on Tuesday I went and picked up the meds. The new meds are $28. That’s on top of his 2 other meds which are about $18/month. I can’t afford $46 a month for meds. I’m a single mom.

In fact, yesterday when I went to get my 11yo’s Concerta for the first time, it was $50! We have crappy insurance. I told them I couldn’t get it and would have to call his doctor. Tuesday I went back with a Ritalin prescription.

How can I spend $50/mo on my dog when I can’t do it for my son? My paycheck only adds up to about $800/month.

So, here’s my quandry. What do I do about my puppy? He’s only 2 and a half. He’s supposed to have a full life ahead of him. We were supposed to enjoy this awesome dog for at least 8 more years. I’m not supposed to be contemplating killing my dog because of some stupid seizures.

And for heaven’s sake, seizures aren’t common in Border Collies.

It has to be me.

I had a horse 6 years ago. My mom finally helped my life long dream come true of owning my own horse. Winston was beautiful. We had a friend to board him at and my daughters wanted to ride, too. But it was too hard to go out there with a 1 yr old baby.

My now 17 year old daughter ended up enjoying him the most. THEN a year after we had him I noticed some lumps on him. He had tumors. TUMORS? For real? And they were right where his bridle would lay and where the saddle would rub.

I swear, only me.

Yesterday I came home from work and there was my baby. Waiting for me to call him to me. Then he comes a waggin’ and smilin’ at me, so happy I’m home. And I have to look into his beautiful brown eyes and know I will have to kill my own dog.

My boys are in the living room playing with a neighbor boy and I’m burying my face in my dog’s fur, wondering how I’m supposed to walk this road.

Sure, he’s a dog, but I get emotionally attached. He’s so devoted to me, and so amazing with my boys and other kids. Do you know that this dog has NEVER bit anybody even when playing? Rugby loves to play, but he knows we are his people.

Want a dog that loves to play fetch and not run away? Rugby is your dog. He brings the ball back every time. It’s just the way he is!

How about a “Lassie” moment? When I’m home, I let Rugby out to go meet the bus. He knows the sound of the bus and runs to the window. It’s so precious.

When I give him his meds, all I have to do is call him upstairs and he comes running to me, sits down and lets me pop them right in. No struggle. No rubbing the throat while clamping his mouth shut.

Ever tried clipping a dogs nails? Usually a nightmare, right? Not with Rugby. I call him to me and he comes over and lays down between my legs and rolls on his side.

How cool is my dog? And I’m supposed to kill him because of these

STUPID FREAKING SEIZURES!!

It’s not fair.

It’s not fair to him. Those seizures take a lot out of him while he’s in the midst of them. When he’s not having a seizure you’d NEVER in a million years know he had them. He’s as normal as any other dog you’d run into.

I just want them to stop. Is that too much to ask? I just want my puppy to be healthy. I just want my Rugby to live to the ripe age of 10 or so. He was supposed to be our family dog. Grow up with my boys.

It makes me sad that we’ve only been able to have him for 2 yrs. I’m going to call the vet today and ask her if there are any other options to keep the costs down. If we could do that, this post would be nul and void and my tears would be for naught.

I want my puppy for years to come, but truly love him enough not to keep him here for selfish reasons.

I just love my Rugby!

PS I can’t stop crying. I’m glad my boys are gone for the day.

PPS Talked to the vet this afternoon and she said we’d know by the end of the month what direction to take.