New Years Resolution Already Gone Awry

Last year, just a couple short weeks ago, I wrote a post about my husband, albeit estranged husband, asked some gal out on a date. I found this information out while at a counseling session.

For me, that was the nail in the coffin. Actually I thought the coffin had been sealed shut a few months ago, but apparently there was some misunderstanding, as in he didn’t understand that I wanted a divorce.

Can you see how poor our communication was for the 8 yrs we were together? We’ve been separated for 4 now so the communication hasn’t gotten any better.

At that last meeting I clearly stated, “We. Are. Getting. Divorced!” His counselor then asked him, to make sure we were ALL on the same page, “Did you hear her tell you, you’re getting divorced?” He answered to the positive.

On our way out to VA we had a MAJOR issue with one of our tenants who pushed for information that wasn’t hers to ask about and she was horrible to me. This, late at night, while I’m driving in another state, looking for a hotel. This tenant had me steaming mad by the time we were done with our conversations! This lady had me going back and forth with her and my husband.

Anyhow, we are able to discuss business and the boys. Our boys called him Christmas day and that went well. On our way home from VA he sent me a text telling me he was praying for safe travels. Nice, I know.

Last night, while on Twitter, @whereitblooms was getting tired waiting for the ball to drop and reach midnight here in the Central Time Zone. She decided to do a New Years Eve Q & A #NYEQA. One of her questions was about a new years resolution we had. I don’t do resolutions. My ADD allows me to follow thru with very few things. For me they’re not something I join in on because I’d get all depressed and negative about how I can’t follow thru, and it would just be bad.

I decided to just be goofy, because she said we had to have at least ONE thing. I said, “get a divorce”. That was my only resolution. I was going to start off the journey to singlehood. That was last night.

Today I get a voicemail from the future ex-husband and he has an idea. What if we don’t get divorced. What if he doesn’t want to. What if he tells me he’s sorry for everything. What if this, what if that.

I sat there shocked listening to this message.

I mean, I knew him so well that as soon as I heard the words, “I have an idea…” I knew where he was going with the thought and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

no, No, NO!! This is NOT how the 1st day of the New Year is supposed to start off. I was supposed to start it off knowing my life was going to be different. We were on the same path that was forking off into different directions and doing so agreeably.

We know our relationship has always been toxic. Not that in the beginning we could’ve categorized it as that, but it got bad quickly and never recovered. We both need a new start with the lives we have left. I am 41 after all. Whether we remarry (and I hope I do) or stay single, we need to move on. Go our separate ways. Start fresh. We have 4 years of separation under the bridge. Time to move on with life!

I haven’t called him back. I can’t even think of the words to say that won’t hurt him more and it makes me sad. In a way it’s kind of selfish that he’s put me in this position to tell him once more, this being the 3rd time, that we are, in fact, getting divorced. I did email his counselor to apprise her of the situation. Keeping her in the loop keeps him on track and she helps him see things clearly again in a way that I can’t.

And to think I have delusions of this being easy since so much time has passed. How silly I am. Nothing in my life has ever been easy. This certainly will be a journey!