When It All Falls Apart

Do you ever have times in your life when everything comes together just enough for it all to fall apart? The “little” things begin to build up so much that all it takes is one more thing to send everything spiraling out of control?

That’s where I am right now. It wasn’t just one thing that has me where I am. It’s the timing of everything going on and upcoming.

I want to be clear, I’m NOT looking for sympathy as we all go through crazy times where it seems like we’d rather stay in bed for a month. I’m just laying it out here for you because I don’t know how much I’m going to be online. There are things that have to be done, but I need a break.

Two weeks ago my yearly exam brought me to getting a biopsy. Something completely unexpected. Unfortunately, again because of life, I had to wait over a week to be tested and then a few more days for the results. Turns out the biopsy showed the tissue is benign, but that doesn’t take away the stress.

Smooch when she was about 5

About the same time, my 2nd daughter turned 18. To say she and I have a contentious relationship is putting it mildly. The level of what I thought was hate and bitterness has always been palpable, even when she was young and an adolescent. Two weeks ago, today, she asked me a question that she already knew the answer to, knowing she was going to get the same answer.

That was the catalyst for her to leave. When I say “leave” I mean, she’s been living in her car since then. She left at 1am. I’ve seen her parked behind our church. I’ve talked to parents who I’m close to who’s daughter’s are close with my daughter and I know she’s done laundry at their house, showered, and eaten meals.

Thankfully we’re in a small town and very little crime happens. I’m hanging on to that. I’ve told her she is welcome to come home any time she wants because this IS her home. I have to remember she made this choice. She has food, a bed, brothers, etc here that she could come home to any time. She chooses not to.

Of course all this brings back how crappy I feel as a mom. A failure. How did I go so wrong with this one child? How can I have an amazing relationship with my oldest daughter? How can I stop the same thing from happening with either of my boys? Trust me when I say I KNOW I can be a crappy mom. Am I crappy 100% of the time, no I don’t think so.

Yep, I lose my cool (sometimes in a major way), yes I have been known to drop the “F” bomb, no I haven’t always been loving, nurturing and understanding. I’d probably say I have good mom moments and I’ve NEVER pretended to be anything but a woman struggling to be a mom. Ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you I am as transparent in my failure as a mom as anyone can be. Maybe someone will learn from my mistakes.

One thing I do know is she and I are very similar. We both have ADD, but I think there’s more to it than that. She’s exactly like her dad who she hasn’t seen or talked to, but once since she was 2yrs old. He lived on the streets, in bushes, under bridges, etc ALL by choice. He hated his family, well, his step dad, and would rather be alone than safe at home.Last night she and I had another falling out. How many can you really have before a relationship is so damaged that it’s severed forever? And with a child? It seems unfathomable to me.

By the end, she was telling me she wasn’t angry and didn’t hate me. She just doesn’t care to have a relationship with me. Apathy is probably worse than feelings of bitterness and hatred.

So, I have a 3 day trip I’m supposed to go on with my 6th grade son and now I have to get someone else to stay at the house with my seizure dog. Finding someone has been stressful. I finally did, but I need to come up with the money to pay him because I can’t expect him to stay here for free.

Then we have a graduation party. My 2nd daughter has been doing school online through the college she’s planning on attending. That has been a major FAIL, but I believe she’ll graduate. We’re doing the party with two other families: her BFF and our pastor’s family. We’re all supposed to go shopping on May 2nd for all the stuff. I can’t even imagine that. Then the grad party? How are we supposed to pretend?

Her mission team last year in India

She’s also determined to go on a mission trip this summer. She’s been advised not to go by a few people, but she’s choosing to ignore what anyone says who might be “against” it and planning on going anyhow. How do I support her when I think it’s the wrong thing? She has to come up with at least $4000.

All this has made me not want to be near a computer at all. Not want to engage. I tried several times yesterday to write some posts and nothing. I’m feeling somewhat dead inside right now and need to be somewhere else. It takes a lot to bring me to my breaking point in a sad way, but I’m there now. I just need a break and I’m going to be taking one, as much as I can.